Grin & Bear It: The Accommodation Style Of Conflict Management

The accommodation style of conflict management is an overlooked but powerful skill for leaders to master. Perry Maddox explains how.

Over two years as a Peace Corps trainer in Paraguay, I learned one big lesson:

You cannot force adults to learn. 

That’s why facilitators guide adult learning through questions, conversations, and activities to tap into the lived experience that adults bring to learning. Try to force it, though, and adult learners will ignore you.  

Worse yet, they push back. 

When it comes to facilitation and conflict management, sometimes the best approach is to step back.  

Know When to Use the Accommodation Style Of Conflict Management.

When the people and relationships involved in a conflict matter more than “winning” or getting the best outcome, accommodation is the best approach. 

Pay attention if you find yourself thinking or saying:

• “Let’s just keep the peace.”
• “Protecting our relationships is more important than being right.” 
• “I’m outmatched, overruled, or outvoted.”
• “I can’t influence the outcome, nor can I afford to rock the boat.”
• “I need to repair damage or issue forgiveness.”

If this is the case, it is time to accommodate.

Like avoidance, accommodation works when the conflict issue isn’t important.  Accommodation differs from  avoidance because in this case, the relationship with the other party is important. 

Accommodating is when one party resolves a conflict by giving in to the other party in order to maintain the relationship.

Assess the Conflict.

Like any style, the accommodation style of conflict management works best in certain situations. To ensure you use it correctly, ask yourself:

• Are you new in a role or learning a new skill?
• Is this an unimportant issue?
• Is preserving the relationship with the other party what matters most?
• Would sharing your opinion put you at risk?
• Would your resistance cause more trouble?
• Are you beginning to believe you might be wrong about this issue?

Accommodation is ideal for situations when you don’t feel strongly about the issue, when a prolonged conflict isn’t worth it, or when you can’t actually influence the outcome but still want to maintain the relationship.

It’s also a good approach if you think you might be wrong. Don’t be shy to switch to accommodation during a conflict if you realize you are wrong about the issue.

Think of accommodation as being cooperative and gracious instead of needing to be right.

Don’t Accommodate in These Conditions.

If the issue is important, avoid the accommodation style of conflict management.

Nor should you accommodate if doing so would compromise your integrity, core beliefs, or values. Avoid the accommodation style of conflict management if the other party is unethical, dangerously wrong, or will cause harm by “winning.”

Similarly, make sure you don’t cause harm yourself through accommodation. If pent-up resentment or emotion could lead you to resentment, outbursts or to dwelling unhealthily on the issue, consider other approaches to resolve the conflict.

How to Use the Accommodation Style of Conflict Management.

Sometimes your best move is to bury the hatchet and let the other side win.

When it’s time to accommodate, open those arms wide like a teddy bear. To resolve conflict through accommodation, be ready to:

• Drop your concerns
• Go along with the other party
• Act selflessly
• Obey orders
• Play down conflict

Don’t be too proud to keep the peace when the issue is unimportant. Accommodate graciously to keep the relationship intact, and then move on. 

Knowing when to accommodate is the mark of a leader.

And a facilitator. I met my wife during those two years working as a trainer in Paraguay. The first time we worked together, sparks flew in the wrong ways. Luckily, we went on to build a wonderful relationship from that bumpy start. 

Small surprise that I have a warm spot for the accommodation style of conflict management.

Call me a big teddy bear.