Perry Maddox explores the tricky issue of addressing a underperforming friend in the workplace, sharing practical tips for leaders.
A young leader reached out recently for a bit of help.
She wrote:
“I am a founder of a new regional girl and young women-led network.
Because we do not have a running grant, I decided to pay someone out of my own pocket to keep things running, but I have seen a level of underperformance that is just too much. Now I don’t know how best to deal with it.
The person is also my friend, which puts me in an awkward position to deal with this underperformance, and I don’t want the organisation and work we do to be substandard.”
Talk about a tricky situation. I’ve been there myself too.
Here’s what I suggested.
Mindset First with an Underperforming Friend.
We make friends at work, or decide to work with friends, and that can be a great thing.
But when it comes to tough moments in the workplace, we might be more likely to delay or to avoid the hard conversation with friends.
That’s why you must ask what comes first.
Why are you here after all? It’s great to make friends at work, but our mission and impact is why we’re here. Remind yourself of the bigger picture.
Also remember that the longer you wait, the worse it will get. The longer you tolerate underperformance, the more you let down those whom your work serves. Inaction also risks broader team morale. Don’t lose good people by tolerating underperformance.
Start with your mindset, leaders.
Now that you’re ready, here’s what to do.
How to Approach an Underperforming Friend.
- Depersonalize the Risk. Imagine this weren’t a friend. How would you normally respond to underperformance? That’s your guide. Make it about the problem behaviour and the resulting risk to the mission, not the person.
- Prepare the Conversation: Impartially. Prepare the meeting by compiling your evidence, observations and concerns in a simple, structured way. Practice delivering it impartially. The goal is to eliminate subjectivity and to focus on the problem.
- Prepare the Conversation: Personally. Use your knowledge of your friend. When and where would they be most open to this feedback? What motivates them… could you tap into that? How do they communicate? Use your insider knowledge to deliver the message in a way that will engage your friend to take action.
- Do Them a Favor. If you’re still feeling awkward, remember that nobody likes to fail. Your friend probably knows they’re underperforming. Never underestimate the silent pressure that underperformers carry. Raising the issue could be a lifeline. They are struggling, and you are helping them.
- Call a Spade a Spade. Friend or not, this is underperformance. Remember that nice isn’t kind. Clearly, calmly and firmly raise your concerns. Once you deliver your message, hold the silence and listen. Fight the urge to rush in and say “but” , adding phrases like “we still value you,” or “it’s not a big deal,” or “I know you’ll turn it around.” Stand by your message.
- Solve the Problem. Once they acknowledge the problem, build an action plan for improvement, together. Hold them to account, monitoring progress and offering support. If they won’t acknowledge the problem to begin or if they fail to complete the plan, it might be time to part ways. Either way, solve the problem.
- Take Care of Yourself. It’s ok to feel stressed, stretched or saddened. This is a lot of professional and personal pressure on you. So give yourself permission to struggle, acknowledge the challenge, and care for yourself during this tricky process.
You should still be caring, polite and warm when delivering the messages. Just don’t let that cloud your judgement. The buck stops here.
You will be judged on how well you solve the problem.
Lead the Way to 3 Possible Outcomes.
A couple months later, this leader wrote to update:
So I had a conversation with her, and we agreed on a one month Performance Improvement Plan. Sadly, nothing changed so I had to speak to my friend again, who then threw in the towel.
As much as I wanted things to change, goodness it’s also hard to deal with people who leave. You get to wonder did I do wrong or what to talk to them about it.
But it also helped me breathe and prioritise the organisation and its needs for growth too.
Her last line is the key.
This leader did the right thing in approaching her friend, both for the organization and for her own wellbeing. Hard as it feels, underperformance mustn’t sink the organization or harm your health.
There are three possible outcomes when you approach your underperforming friend correctly:
- They understand and fix the problem. Yay.
- They understand and realize this job isn’t for them. Yay.
- They don’t agree or don’t try to fix the problem. So you part ways. Tough, but yay.
We’d all like that first outcome, but it’s up to them to respond.
Sometimes the most important thing that a friend can share is the truth.
