Three Simple Steps to Avoid a Harmful Feedback Fail

Perry Maddox explores the triggers behind a feedback fail and shares three simple steps to extend the space between stimulus and response.

I got it really wrong, twice.

I made plenty of mistakes in 2020, but two moments stand out. Both involved me giving feedback to colleagues.

In both cases, I got it wrong as a leader. Not for lack of intent. I aimed to help our teams. Nor for content. I stand by the content of the feedback I gave.

Instead, the problem was how I shared that feedback.

The High Stakes of a Feedback Fail.

Once in a draft document and once in a staff call, I missed the mark.

Unsurprisingly, my annual review explored these two moments. Rightly so. It takes thousands of interactions to build trust, but that trust can be shattered in a moment.

Nobody said leadership was easy, friends.

We must be careful when giving feedback as leaders. Receiving feedback is already a sensitive exchange. When feedback comes from leaders, the stakes grow.

In both cases, I would have avoided harm had I remembered this quote:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Viktor E. Frankl

Spot Your Next Feedback Fail before it Happens.

There is a space between stimulus and response.

If only I had stepped back from that draft document and asked a colleague to talk me through it, we would have come to the same resolution through a mellow conversation.

If only I had accepted that I’d not fully coped with a great deal of stress at the time, I wouldn’t have gotten my tone wrong in a staff call. The feedback that I shared to help their careers would have landed.

In both cases, had I extended the space between stimulus and response, I would have chosen better tone and tactics.

Instead, I missed two warning signs. Here’s how to spot a feedback fail before it happens:

• Beware time pressure. False urgency is the enemy of good feedback. Busy leaders risk rushing sensitive conversations when pace becomes habit. Time pressure, like a big deadline looming, further increases the risk that we rush sensitive feedback before we’ve truly considered our response. Normally, we have more time than we think to prepare a response. When you sense time pressure to give feedback, that’s your alarm.
• Know your triggers. We all have personal triggers that risk a premature response. Personally, I’m prone to reacting too quickly when I’m tired or frustrated, but also when I’m passionate about an issue. Not all triggers are obvious, so the only way to know yours is to reflect on the times you’ve gotten it wrong before. What was going on with you at the time? How were you feeling? Were certain topics involved? Certain personalities?

Once you know your risk factors, you’re on the way to avoiding a future feedback fail.

Take Three Steps to Extend the Space.

Now that you know the triggers, use three simple techniques to extend the space between stimulus and response.

• Breathe. You’ll never go wrong with breathing. For some, that’s a bit of yoga and meditation to cultivate space in the body and mind. For others, it may be a simple breathing exercise in the moment. I like a quick walk outside. A simple 20 minutes in a bit of green space has been proven to reduce stress hormones significantly.
• Schedule. Use your calendar to build in circuit breakers. Prevent your day from getting so crowded that the space between stimulus and response disappears. Stop taking hours of Zoom calls back to back. Create space in your day by scheduling stress-busting, leader-recharging moments.
• Ask. Slow it down. No matter how much you breathe and schedule, stimulus will hit you unprepared. A crisis arises or a colleague makes a bad mistake. It happens. To avoid a rushed response, open with a question. Ask them to talk you through it. As you listen, you buy time to consider your response. Plus, what you learn will inform the advice you give.

Like our triggers, the best approach to extending the space is different for each person. Test and trial your approach.

Along the way, you will fail. That’s ok, if you genuinely apologize and reflect to improve next time. Think of that reflection as a kind of self-feedback. After all, the quote tells us that in the space between stimulus and response lies not just our control.

Also our growth and freedom.