Jami Dixon shares her story of learning to say no, plus six easy ways to say no and to set boundaries, nicely.
After a hectic end to 2020 and the much-anticipated arrival of a quieter 2021, I’ve found myself busier than ever.
I’ve noticed that this is true for my team too. We’ve acknowledged that the pace of work is unsustainable and undesirable. As a result, we’ve been having conversations about how we can stay focussed on our priorities and feel in control of our work, which is critical to wellbeing.
The need to get better at ‘saying no’ has emerged as a key theme.
These conversations reminded me of when I started out on my own journey of learning to say no and setting firmer boundaries, both personally and professionally.
The People Pleasing Problem.
I’m a people pleaser, so saying no is something I’ve always struggled with.
For many like me, saying no can be counter-intuitive to our desire to be helpful and to not let people down. I’m also an enthusiast and love new things, which can make it even harder to say no. So, when I started my current leadership role, about 3 years ago, I knew it was something I needed to address.
I was fortunate to work with a coach, who helped me reframe my perception of saying no. In my first session, the coach asked me to draw how not saying no felt (left side of the picture below).
We then had a conversation about why I felt this way. I realised that my reluctance to say no was based on lots of assumptions and beliefs, and some really deep-seated ones at that. I was then asked to draw what I thought ‘saying no’ would feel like (right side of the picture) – feeling balanced, organised, able to leave work on time, in control.
After this conversation, I was sold on the importance of saying no more often. Who wouldn’t be when you compare those pictures!
I started trying it out and went a bit hard-line at first – saying no to almost everything. As expected, it felt uncomfortable, for me and for others, because we were all getting used to this new behaviour.
As time went on, it still felt clunky, and something still didn’t feel right. I realised that I also needed some tools to help me put this newfound wisdom into practice. I attended some training and did some reading about how to say ‘a nice no.’ Then I started experimenting.
This is what I learned.
Six Ways to Say No, Nicely.
Here are the tools that I’ve found most useful when I need to say no. Sometimes I use several of these tools in combination.
- Make an offer of what you can do – this could be suggesting an alternative timeline, or saying that you can do part but not all of the request.
- Give the name of someone else who could help – depending what the ask is, you could point them in the direction of someone else who has similar expertise, or toward useful resources or self-help guide.
- Ask questions – find out more about what is required, when and crucially, why. It can help you establish how time-critical something is and how it fits with your other priorities. It could also help you signpost them to someone else who could better help or to other resources.
- Buy some time – don’t give an answer there and then. Ask of some time to think, arrange a meeting, or offer to call them back. You may want to talk it through with someone else, perhaps a colleague or your line manager.
- Be apologetic – if you can’t do any of the above, for whatever reason, then that’s ok. Let the person know what else you have on and that in other circumstances you would have loved to help them.
- Just say no – try it, occasionally. In my experience it can be liberating and helps us get used to flexing this muscle.
Leaders Say No.
One of the most powerful things that we can do as leaders is role model this behaviour.
By learning to say no, albeit a nice no, I’m showing others around me that it’s ok to set boundaries. It gives them permission to do the same.
If my experience taught me anything, it’s that it may feel weird for a while. Like many things, saying no takes practise. But it gets easier. And if we are to take our existing commitments and own mental health seriously, then it’s an important skill to learn.
I’d love hear your stories about ‘saying no’ and what works for you.
